Satire

How To Become A Pretentious Travel Snob

I love you and you know what- You really do know it all.

While traveling the world it’s important to remember that, not only is your way of traveling the best and only way to travel, it’s also very important to make it your business to scoff at the idea of anybody else choosing to see the world in a any other way.

Are you participating in a tour for no other reason than simply being too lazy to actually do any of the planning yourself or feel it’s only necessary to visit tourist hot-spots because that’s what you’re meant to do? Pfffft OMG, don’t you know anything about how the real travelers parade around the planet intentionally looking down their noses in disgust at anyone who dares to travel in a way other than the unconventional?

Wouldn’t you rather be seeing each and every country the way I do? Let me help you out with these 5 tips on how to become a pretentious travel snob…

Tip #1 – Deliberately Ignore Other People’s Travel Photos On Social Media

**Eye Roll**

There’s nothing more annoying than seeing some mindless wannabe traveler’s photos getting more likes than my artsy photos of places no one ever goes. It’s ALWAYS a good idea to make sure you don’t acknowledge this behaviour. You really do not want to be encouraging this pitiful attempt at adventure travel, so give it the attention it deserves. NONE.

Tip #2 – ‘One Up’ Everyone

Ever been in a situation where someone had a better travel story than you and they got all the undeserved attention? A travel snob will never EVER let that happen to them. Even if it means lying out of your ass, nobody’s ever travelled to more countries, tried weirder food or been more adventurous than you. DO NOT let more than a few seconds pass by after the completion of their story before swooping in and telling a similar, yet slightly better, story.

Tip #3 – Actively Avoid People That Are Not From The Country You Are Visiting

Tourists are nothing but scum. This is the mindset you should have when visiting any foreign country, it’s actually in your very best interest to avoid being seen with any of them. On one occasion in 2009 I unfortunately let my guard down and found myself in a bar in Italy with a bunch of drunk non-Italians. It was hands-down the worst experience of my life.

Tip #4 – Do Not Dare Look After Your Appearance

Have you ever seen a true traveler with a shaven face (man) or armpits (women)? Have you ever seen a true traveler with more than one pair of shoes or a fresh haircut? What about someone who smells like they have showered in the past month? The answer is NO.

If you’re going to be a true traveler then you’re going to have to start looking and smelling like one.

Tip #5 – Never Start A Conversation In English

There’s nothing more satisfying than going up to the nearest fresh-off-the-boat tourist and watching them struggle through a conversation with you in Spanish. It’s these types of situations that made my time in South America that much more enjoyable.

Regardless of how obvious it is that they speak English, a patronisingly smug “Oh, do you not speak Spanish?” is a sure fire way to have you winning the proverbial ‘most travely traveler’ award at whatever 2 star hostel (that you definitely didn’t find on hostelworld.com) you’ve managed to find yourself at.

Got it? Good. Get Traveling!

13 Comments

  1. Shane

    Brilliant

  2. I am forever doing this, always avoiding the British when I am on the road unless I really have to speak to them! 😀 I never done the eye roll unless somebody is pissing me off and I want to slap them! 😀

  3. Carol Colborn

    Also, be funny as hell like this writer/traveler! Even if you are throwing in a bit of white lies here and there, just throw in a heavy dose of wit and satire while making them sound like all true and not fake stories!

  4. Ha ha. THIS. Omg. So good. But a little real as I’ve definitely caught myself eye rolling at a few of these “scum” tourists in my time. Whoops.

  5. Lol, I am a travel snob me too! But I am clean and smell OK . . .

  6. Haha! OMG! This is so humorous>_<

  7. LOL…Hey, being a travel snob is a hard-earned title. I covet that title, thank-you-very-much! They only tip that I’m not sure about is the not to strike up a convo with another traveler…how can I one up them if I’m only talking to locals…hmmm?!

  8. Sandy N Vyjay

    Loved reading the tongue in cheek narrative. Smiled to myself a couple of times. It never hurts to hold a mirror to oneself or others from time to time!

  9. Haha, I think I’ve met all these people on my trip. I hope I’ve never been that person myself, lol. I would never want to be.

  10. Laughed at the “never start a conversation in English”! This post is HILARIOUS and way too true!

  11. The one upping drives me crazy! Ha, this was a fun read. Thanks for sharing and happy travels 🙂

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