While traveling the world it’s important to remember that, not only is your way of traveling the best and only way to travel, it’s also very important to make it your business to scoff at the idea of anybody else choosing to see the world in a any other way.
Are you participating in a tour for no other reason than simply being too lazy to actually do any of the planning yourself or feel it’s only necessary to visit tourist hot-spots because that’s what you’re meant to do? Pfffft OMG, don’t you know anything about how the real travelers parade around the planet intentionally looking down their noses in disgust at anyone who dares to travel in a way other than the unconventional?
Wouldn’t you rather be seeing each and every country the way I do? Let me help you out with these 5 tips on how to become a pretentious travel snob…
Tip #1 – Deliberately Ignore Other People’s Travel Photos On Social Media
There’s nothing more annoying than seeing some mindless wannabe traveler’s photos getting more likes than my artsy photos of places no one ever goes. It’s ALWAYS a good idea to make sure you don’t acknowledge this behaviour. You really do not want to be encouraging this pitiful attempt at adventure travel, so give it the attention it deserves. NONE.
Tip #2 – ‘One Up’ Everyone
Ever been in a situation where someone had a better travel story than you and they got all the undeserved attention? A travel snob will never EVER let that happen to them. Even if it means lying out of your ass, nobody’s ever travelled to more countries, tried weirder food or been more adventurous than you. DO NOT let more than a few seconds pass by after the completion of their story before swooping in and telling a similar, yet slightly better, story.
Tip #3 – Actively Avoid People That Are Not From The Country You Are Visiting
Tourists are nothing but scum. This is the mindset you should have when visiting any foreign country, it’s actually in your very best interest to avoid being seen with any of them. On one occasion in 2009 I unfortunately let my guard down and found myself in a bar in Italy with a bunch of drunk non-Italians. It was hands-down the worst experience of my life.
Tip #4 – Do Not Dare Look After Your Appearance
Have you ever seen a true traveler with a shaven face (man) or armpits (women)? Have you ever seen a true traveler with more than one pair of shoes or a fresh haircut? What about someone who smells like they have showered in the past month? The answer is NO.
If you’re going to be a true traveler then you’re going to have to start looking and smelling like one.
Tip #5 – Never Start A Conversation In English
There’s nothing more satisfying than going up to the nearest fresh-off-the-boat tourist and watching them struggle through a conversation with you in Spanish. It’s these types of situations that made my time in South America that much more enjoyable.
Regardless of how obvious it is that they speak English, a patronisingly smug “Oh, do you not speak Spanish?” is a sure fire way to have you winning the proverbial ‘most travely traveler’ award at whatever 2 star hostel (that you definitely didn’t find on hostelworld.com) you’ve managed to find yourself at.
Got it? Good. Get Traveling!