Satire

Why Travel Sucks!

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The average traveler is seemingly obsessed with staying out of their own country and is constantly feeling the need to prove to everybody else just how amazingly fun and enjoyable third world and developing countries can be (sigh).

Don’t they know that these places are dangerous and that pretty much anything that’s bad with our country is because it came from those countries? And what about the money? Think about it: would you rather have a new flat screen TV and a sweet new car to show everyone or spend ALL your savings on a trip to a place you’re not even sure you’ll like? What will you have to show for all your hard work when you grow old? Nothing as far as I’m concerned!

With all of that in mind, here are my most aggravating observations of why travel sucks…

In Some Places People Don’t Even Speak Englishno-english
Yeah, you heard me! NO ENGLISH. I can’t even ask a stranger for directions without having the learn a few words in the local language. Just last week I had to go out of my way to open up a Polish language text book to learn how to say ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ because some of them don’t even know that sentence in English. Seriously, I’m not joking, go there and see for yourself!

Cheap, Disgusting Local Food Everywhere!untitled-design
$1 street food? Really? I don’t just buy anything, especially off of a random man in the street, besides if it’s only $1 there has to be something wrong with it. People tell me to just give it a go, but what’s the point when I can buy a delicious Mcdonald’s cheese burger for close to the same price. It might be a little bit of a walk through some smelly streets, but at least I know it’s going to taste somewhat familiar, right?

Sometimes You’re Forced Into Meeting New Peoplework-inprogress-3
Why, oh why, do people from other countries think it’s okay to start a conversation with me? It’s something I obviously have no interest in. “How Are You?”“Where are you from?”  “Can I take your bags for you, sir?” Haven’t I made it quite obvious to you that anything outside of my comfort zone is extremely unappealing?!

You Sleep In Rooms With People From Other Countrieswork-inprogress-4
Whoever invented these so called ‘hostels’ needs to have a good hard look at themselves. Why would it ever be a good idea to put people from different parts of the world in the one room? One such place I visited had no private rooms available so I was forced to listen to all these different people speaking with their stupid accents. This one guy – he was from Japan or Brazil or …I dunno…somewhere weird – couldn’t even pronounce his words right when he tried to speak to me. Needless to say I wasn’t impressed.

Their Currency Is Confusinglol
In my country it’s easy $1,$2, $5, $10, $20, $50, $100. This is all you really need to know, however in countries such as Colombia (a dangerous drug haven) things don’t really make a huge amount of sense. Bank notes START at 1,000 and end at 100,000, pretty stupid, right? I don’t even recognise any of the people they have on their bank notes. Why don’t they just throw all their money away and just start from 1 again like a normal country. One day I suppose they’ll learn, but for now I guess they all think they’re millionaires.

They Don’t Have The Same TV Shows In Other Countriesuseless
Game Of Thrones, M.A.S.H, Big Bang Theory, Supernatural, The Walking Dead? None of these are even played at normal hours in most of the countries I’ve visited and a lot of the time the dialogue is dubbed over in the local language! Don’t they stop to think that tourists are watching and may want to actually understand what’s happening in the show? Apparently not!

Whatever reasons you have for traveling I’m sure you’d agree I make some valid points. Realising that everything you’ll ever need is no more than 1 kilometre from the home you grew up is one of the most liberating conclusions you can ever come to. Travel is overrated and you know it, prove me wrong in the comments section below…I dare you.

– Jarrod

16 Comments

  1. I presume you’re just being ironic here, but yeah, sometimes traveling truly sucks. The guy who coined the term: ‘It’s the journey, not the destination’ never sat on a train in India. And if you think the grass is greener on the other side, please check the streets of Cairo. It’s very PC to describe total shit holes as ‘enriching spiritual experiences.’ Don’t fool yourself. They ARE shit holes and will always be shit holes. There’s a reason why locals can’t wait to move to the West. Talking about friendly locals, some of them are bottomline aggressive. Better prepare to be called ‘Fils de pute’ (son of a bitch) in the souks of Marrakesh. And why not pay double or triple the price at museums and hotels, based on the colour of your skin. Ain’t that Apartheid? Hostels can be charming too. You know what I hate most about people snoring? They are aware of their problem but every night, they expect 20 other people to deal with their shit. But hey, maybe we should chill. Have a drink. But watch out, the illegal booze on the Gili Islands might blind you (if you’re lucky to survive). OK, let’s have a bite in Hanoi instead. But can you ask the waiter to chase those rats. Thanks, ah, traveling can be so much fun.
    keep rocking – TT

    • Jarrod

      Haha this is awesome! You’re definitely welcome to leave as many comments as you want in the future! 🙂

  2. Emma

    “Oh, I’m being such a free spirit, and people who don’t travel are so lame, I’m so much better than them”

    Ugh. That’s so naive.

    You know why travelling sucks? Because it uses the colonial patterns and exploits locals, so that some white asshole who can’t get the grip back home, can pump his ego by flashing everybody with his pics from “exotic” destinations, where pretty much anybody can go. (Woo-hoo, Thailand, I’m such a traveller).

  3. Woah, wouldn’t want to meet this guy on my travels! Great read, makes me think of all the good things traveling means to me, socializing with people from around the world, eating all that weird, cheap food, just being so open, careless and free!

    • Jarrod

      Haha! Yeah I really don’t seem to meet too many of these types of people, but sadly they’re definitely out there.

  4. I love it. I have heard so many of those things from my friends who have never done anything but go to all inclusive resorts in Spain!! They just don’t get why I would want to travel!!

  5. And you get to meet people with self righteous opinions to boot! Seriously loved this post, it’s so true and made me laugh. But try traveling with kids…that really sucks! All that educational history stuff, sooooo boring. Naked statues? Oh my goodness, cover your eyes girls. Cute Italian boys? Nope, not happening, they are foreigners. Food other than margarita pizza shaped like a cat? Disgusting. And then there’s travel here in Canada….geesh, all this snow and cold, I mean who loves skiing, skating and hockey anyways? Just stay in your box, it’s safer in there.

  6. Haha , you then must be a true masochist based on all the traveling you have done already! Or perhaps it was an overdose of that Ayahuasca you had in Peru that changed your mind 😉 ?!
    Anyhow, nice post, hope it will make people realize how much traveling really sucks 🙂

  7. Travel is definitely never perfect but I would never be without it. The one thing it does very clearly for me, irrespective of wherever I go, is to value where I live more and more each time. (I’m a Queenslander!). By the end of my time in an Asian country I’m ready to kill someone for a clean toilet, and I’d prefer not to have to have a million injections to try and keep myself safe. But I would never trade my fantastic and not-so-fantastic experiences for anything. Kudos to anyone who stays in hostels too – not in my lifetime will you ever see me there 🙂

  8. I guess travel is not for everyone. If one is happy and contented in his own home and country, than it definitely is his prerogative. It is all a matter of personal choice, and like everything else travel too has its pluses and minuses.

  9. This gave me such a good chuckle! I live in South Korea (where I teach) and have heard many of these complaints from other teachers… Makes you wanna tell them to go back home and not leave again haha! I’m super glad I haven’t met that d-bag that embodies all of these points-I think my head would explode!

    Great read though, really like your writing style! Cheers!

  10. Haha, I love this! I have actually met a couple of these people on my travels and I feel like banging my head against the wall whenever they open their moves. I once watched a woman yell at a Spanish speaking woman in Costa Rica for not speaking English…. the nerve….

  11. Haha! This is a hilarious piece. And this is gold: ‘Realising that everything you’ll ever need is no more than 1 kilometre from the home you grew up is one of the most liberating conclusions you can ever come to.’

    Of course this is satirical, but to be honest, there are some people for whom travel does nothing. They come back home exactly the same as when they’d left. Because they’re actually complaining about things like ‘no English TV channels’ and ‘no other people there who looked like me’ (believe me, I’ve heard this one).

  12. Haha good post, you almost had me worried for a second though! 🙂

  13. A hilarious satire (hopefully it was meant to be one 😛 )

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